...a history with God...part 1

During the months of October and November, I began to experience a call of God to deal openly and honestly with areas of my heart and life in a greater level. To begin with I went through a time of repentance, where I responded to the Holy Spirit as he revealed areas that I needed to confess and make right.

I then began to look at my heart and life to determine what needed to change in me. I began to write out a journal I called “My Secret Life with God”. And during this time I began to understand that God was dealing directly with my heart, in a very personal way...loving me, wooing me to deeper intimacy with Him. It was a scary time, as I felt completely exposed and vulnerable to the Spirit of God. But it has been a precious time too, as I have realized deeper levels of His love and am enjoying being loved.

(It seems so deep to me at the time, but when I look back these steps forward seem to resemble a wading pool. Here is a part of my journal from November.)

5 things important to me:

1) To have a powerful, impacting and dynamic relationship with God...being one of the wise virgins (Matthew 25), devoted to loving God with ALL of me!

2) To have an impactful, strong and eternal relationship with my wife and children and to begin reconciling with parents and brothers.

3) To break off all the crud and sludge of life that breaks me down; discouraging, isolating and causing me to feel inadequate and having no self-worth.

4) To become financially free...to break off the shackles of debt and to be freely able to bless and produce fruit of the Kingdom.

5) To not shrink back from the faith. To be a man of integrity...with love and honesty live daily, to see the power of Kingdom living affect those I interact with. Those in my sphere of authority/responsibility.

5 things that need to change in my life:

1) To daily spend time in reading, meditating and dwelling in the word of God...to live a disciplined life of love for God and others through actively praying, worship, praying in the spirit, fasting, making disciples, and waiting on the HS.

2) To guard my heart by filtering what I watch and read (even the seemingly innocent things). No being the victim to repeated failures in addictive sin of pornography, masturbation and lust.

3) To practice living a Godly life by being patient and not reacting in anger.

4) To be practically frugal and disciplined in my spending practices. To continue to break the pattern of compulsive spending.

5) To spend time with my wife and children in honest, undivided, uninterrupted time. To build up the relationships that God has given me.

Within a month of writing these things down, I read the following from Chuck Pierce:

Israel was an example of a corporate group who had to overcome several things to enter the Promised Land. The following spiritual assignment will allow us to move forward into the fullness of God’s plan for our lives. Before you read further, make a list of old cycles. Now is the time to break from any old cycle that has held your promise and destiny in captivity. Declare that your Passover time of deliverance is now beginning. Ask God for signs, wonders, and miracles that will intervene in old cyclical structures of your life. Be secure in timing. Declare that everything in your past be repaired and restored so that your future can be unlocked. Look up and see the window of heaven that is opening over you. Gain victory in strategic warfare. Do not be afraid to ascend in worship. This is a time to experience God’s glory. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Ask God to open your eyes so you can see His glory. Make a list of promises. Even make a list of stirrings that have been in your heart that have never come to fullness. Let His presence direct you into the path of deliverance and Passover from captivity to freedom. Position yourself for your future. The best is ahead!

Amen...Amen! I believe and pray this over my life as I move to be totally in love with Jesus this year of 2012.

"Father...I expose my heart before you. I declare I trust you, I want you, I need you...I love you! Reveal to me your burning, faithful, unfailing, all-consuming love...enthrall me, enlarge every area of my heart to know you, strip away everything that hinders love! In Jesus’ name." Nov 5, 2011

A secret life exposed....

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

In the book of Matthew, there is a parable that has been the most poignant that I have ever read. It has stuck with me in and out of seasons. It has caused me a lot of deep thought and consideration...as well as prayer. It has also caused me to shake to my core when I consider the final end of the story.

It is the parable of the Ten Virgins.

I was profoundly struck today as I drove home from work. On 11-7, I posted about the re-dig that I had witnessed in our community around Wichita, as ponds, reservoirs, and other bodies of water had completely dried up...leaving nothing but dry, dusty bowls exposed...and about the re-digging of these bodies of water.

But today was a different story... Rain began falling last night and it poured most of the day. It was such a blessing to see the Winter rain pour down...drenching everything. But I was not expecting the sight I saw as I drove home. The water that soaked the ground and ran across the roads and flooded the fields was also filling the dry beds. I was deeply moved with amazement as I passed the first pond. It was overflowing. The second was the same...it was much larger (about 4x the size of the first) and it's banks were busting; a flock of Canada geese already enjoying a respite on it's surface. It was the same beautiful sight all the way home!

WOW...I was surprised...and oh so THANKFUL! And then the HS reminded me that God can do in one day, what could take a thousand (2Peter 3:8). And today, He had filled to overflowing the rivers, ponds, lakes and reservoirs. I think that it's also important to note that there was no difference in the size of the bed...ALL were filled to overflowing. AMAZING!

Only the grace of the Father can so quickly do something that we could never do. And even if we come with 2 fish and 5 loaves, He can do amazing things.

I believe the time is upon us, as the bride of Christ when we have to examine our hearts. Like the 10 virgins, we must inspect our lamps and make preparations for the return of the King of Kings. He will come to us like the rain, the latter and former rain (Hosea 6:3). This season of preparation I believe is called repentance, when we have the opportunity to lay our hearts bare before the HS and allow his cleansing work. A time to leave all others and to cling to The One. It is also a time to expand our banks and prepare for the overflow of His presence.

I believe strongly that the oil in the parable speaks of His presence. In this season of preparation, we must cultivate an intense and vibrant "secret life" with Jesus. We must make the time, and spend the energy in enjoying His presence and learning to hear His voice. I feel this was the determining factor that set the 5 wise virgins apart. I cannot tell you what this secret life looks like, except for myself. But it must involve the Word, prayer, and a great many other spiritual practices.

For me...it has involved soul-searching...allowing the HS to expose sin in my life and claim the ground as Holy unto the Lord. It has also involved quiet waiting prayer and journaling. I have spent time in fasting from food and things, to posture my heart for preparation. It has included long periods of worship and prayer...and has certainly been a season of many tears.

It has been a though time all around...but today, my heart is full. As the rain falls today, my heart is full. I must...I must press on to know this Lover of my soul, this Desire of Nations, This Prince of Peace. He is my ALL!

what I'm meant to be...

Are you who you were meant to be?

Your wildest dreams are not wild enough…wisdom is crying out to push past the usual, mundane way of living that I have so easily embraced and to rise up to the fresh and powerful move of God.

“The choice - become the person you were meant to be not the person you've allowed yourself to become.” Glenn Beck

“You doubt your value, don't run from who you are.” Aslan to Lucy, The Chronicles of Narnia Voyage of the Dawn Treader

“Abandon the ranger...become who you were meant to be.”
Lord Elron to Aragorn in Return of the King.

Cindy Jacobs "This is the season to cross over to your new life. Don't let your past mistakes frame your future. Time for your new beginning"

But this is not accomplished with vain attempts to change. Only the HS can carry me into the FULLNESS of His plans. It is the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation that does this work!

“We cannot kill the flesh with the flesh; no amount of willpower can take the place of the Holy Spirit.” –Cory Russell

“For this reason I too, having heard of the faith in the Lord Jesus which exists among you and your love for all the saints, do not cease giving thanks for you, while making mention of you in my prayers; that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And He put all things in subjection under His feet, and gave Him as head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.” Ephesians 1:15-23

X Rated

Warning...this post may be considered NC17 or maybe even X Rated.

The grippings of God...when he goes after a heart is amazing to me. Does He pick and choose? I do not know that answer to that question, but I am becoming more aware that God does choose to make Himself known to and through the broken, weak things of this world.

Rahab the harlot comes to mind (you know the great, great, great grandmother of King David...who was in the lineage of Jesus...makes for a really good scandal to have a prostitute for a relative, right?!?) Mary Magdeline also comes to mind (again, another scandalous individual who I like to call "Lady Love Much"). Both women swept up into relationships that could not have been anticipated.

First, Rahab...selling her body, making her wage by the hour...leading men (maybe women too) into adulterous and hedonistic acts. Keep in mind there is nothing new under the sun. She was called a harlot, making her living by participating in acts of sexual behavior that would only be defined as vile and idolatrous to a proper, upstanding individual. And on the day of her encounter with the living God, two men came knocking at her door. I wonder if she thought, "Bonus...double down!"? I don't know what went through her mind at first thought, but you can bet she didn't answer the door in her Sunday best and have tea and crackers waiting in the next room. Sure, she had heard the rumors of the Israelites at the river, but this didn't affect her business model. The more the merrier or how else would she provide for herself. She answered the door like any other time....heavy amounts of makeup, jewelry adoring every appendage, see-through silken clothing (if you could call it that) and intoxicating amounts of perfume....all the tools of the trade.

And there He was...face to face with this lady of the evening...in the red-light district...getting ready to interact with eternity. God came a callin'. How did someone so entrenched in the pleasures of the world, get marked as a candidate for the love of God? I'm sure it is a great mystery. One I'm trying to understand myself. Grace....mercy....destiny.

In Luke 7, we see another woman..."Lady Love Much". She did the most offensive thing that one can do in her position. Whether gripped by shame and embarrassment, we can only guess. But she used her worldly charms to "come on to Jesus." (or so it was perceived). She came just as she was, a prostitute, no pretense. And with the only skill she knew she acted; kissing his feet and washing them with her hair, she poured an entire jar of costly perfume on him. The intoxicating aroma filled the entire space. Everyone around Jesus and this Harlot knew exactly what had happened for days afterward. The fragrance of her act surrounding both of them like a pungent cloud. And there He was again...right in the heart of another scandal.

My point is this...I don't think God behaves any differently today. He still chooses to encounter us with the same love that He did to these two women. He is the same God who can reach us in the very act of sin: adultery, addiction to pornography, alcoholism, angry fits, anorexia...all sorts of sinful cravings or struggles. Mostly when we are not expecting Him...He comes to us. Just as we are, at the bar, beside the toilet, alone in our car, in the red light district...He's there; loving, interacting, setting plans, purposes and futures in motion. Grace, Mercy, Destiny!

1 Corinthians 1:21,26-31 (Message) says, "So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn't God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation.

Human wisdom is so tinny, so impotent, next to the seeming absurdity of God. Human strength can't begin to compete with God's "weakness."
Take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life. I don't see many of "the brightest and the best" among you, not many influential, not many from high-society families. Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? That makes it quite clear that none of you can get by with blowing your own horn before God. Everything that we have—right thinking and right living, a clean slate and a fresh start—comes from God by way of Jesus Christ. That's why we have the saying, "If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God."

trans....it...ion

On my Facebook I have written under the "about me" section, "transition, transition, transition...what can I say?". That feels like the story of my life. I have gone from transition to transition. I can count 15 different houses I've lived in, in 7 different states and 2 countries. And minus KY, I have not lived in any one place more than 3 years.

Growing up, most of this was due to my family moving for church reasons...my father was a pastor.

Transition!

When we arrived in KY, where I spent most of my life, there was still a lot of transition. I was finishing high school, and headed off to boot camp with the USMC, and then I went to university. I was married while achieving my undergrad degree. And started a family and career. I moved 3 different times for my job with the airlines. And was unemployed 2 different times within an 11 month period. Whew...I forgot to tell you to take a breath...sorry.

Transition!

So this really is a theme of my life. Like a thread weaved in a tapestry, all these changes have been actively moving me to where I am now. For me...the word transition has been easily defined as a "verb". But I believe that is about to change...lol, another transition.

I believe that I am in a season of understanding this powerful force as a “noun”...as an event that results in transformation!

On Friday 11-11-11, my family went to an event at the Century II Center, that really delved into the prophetic and the positioning of the church. Dare I say it? The entire theme of this meeting was...yup, you guessed it. Transition! I would struggle to even begin to describe all that came out of this meeting. But I was convinced that I was not the only one in transition.

I believe that God is establishing a constance within the body. The HS has shown me at times how flaky I've been and how at times I've been off the charts with lows and highs. I believe my walk with the Lord has at times resembled the stock market, which lately has resembled a roller coaster.

And now the HS draws near and speaks to me, "Prepare a way for the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for your God. Every valley shall be lifted up and every mountain and hill brought low; the crooked places shall be made straight and the rough places smooth; the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”. Isa40.3. (paraphrased me). We are called out to prepare our hearts for the Lord, to remove all obstacles and see the glory of the Lord revealed as we are moved into the glory realms of understanding and living full lives.

The great truth?!? It’s all about Him...it’s for His glory...it’s “Christ in me” and “when I am weak, then I am strong”. The power and mystery of his grace in transition.

dig down...

So, so dry. The reports of drought conditions in Western Kansas are devistating, even depressing. Water levels are at some of the lowest levels in decades. Long term forecasters report that these conditions could stretch out for years.. As the dry spell continues, the lakes and ponds have gradually become more and more depleated. And in some cases, even dried up completely.

Everything that was once covered by water, and hidden is now becoming exposed...laid bare. All types of debris, including tree stumps, are completely visible. It doesn't leave much to the imagination.

And now this...over the past month or so, I have also noticed a peculiar event beginning to take place. Backhoes, tractors and excavation equipment have been arriving at several locations (that I observe on my commute) and digging out the ponds and lakes has begun. And in some cases, expanding the banks to make the bodies of water larger.

So what's so interesting about that? Well, as the rain began to fall today (I was so glad)...I thought about the consequence of this action. What would happen if the rain came for days and days and at the amount the forecast reports? Would anyone be prepared? At this point I could easily say that those newly re-dug lakes and ponds would be well prepared to contain the bounty.

But what about us? Isaiah 54:2 call us to "enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes."

Some have eyes to see and ears to hear. And it is these ones who will take the time and have the wisdom to dig out the dry lake beds. They will remove the debris, and the entanglements and junk that have lined the bottom. They will push back the banks of the shore, expanding their boundaries. These ones will have a place to contain the latter rains (Zachariah 10:1)

The struggle in this is not only for the "revival" of a body of water, but also for it's "glory". With the beauty of restoration comes the responsibility to live faithfully and honorably. And this is the constance that challenges all as we press on to know the Lord.

I feel deeply that the atmosphere is quickly changing. All around I see evidence that there is a deep cleansing going on in the Body of Chirst...in spite of our ability, history, failures and weakness. Such grace is displayed unto us now. And this is where I want to find myself. This is what I cry out for for the Bride. As we lay aside all the things that hinders and we put on Christ. And we put off the old man and are renewed in our minds, "put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man...and put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." Eph 4:22-24 Thank you Lord!

constant love...

"...chosen by God and precious." i peter 2:4

These five words have undone me this evening. It seems they have leapt off the page, devouring all the shame and contempt that comes at me, and revealing to me the beginnings of a deep mystery.

I have felt the sting of rejection, the bitter disappointment of my own failings, and the shame of addictive sin...but it all begins to fade away as I draw near to the One who knows it all, who experienced it all, and purposely bore it all in love for us on the cross.

This precious One was despised and rejected by men, and we find that He was called by God the "chosen precious ONE". And we have been chosen by God and precious...a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people...called out of darkness.

And now we stand blinking in the light of this amazing love. Bright and shining ones all around, arrayed in splendor, washed in the blood, pure, white and spotless...not by any works that we can do, but by GRACE alone. That is so powerful to me...and it unravels me and humbles me to tears.

Thank you God for amazing, constant and perfect love. Amazing glorious love!

marked...

Joshua 5:9 "Today I (the Lord) have rolled away the reproach of Egypt..." at a place called Gilgal.

The battle is in our mind.

When I sat and watched the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy (like all 12 hours, uncut), many of the scenes spoke to me, some made me cringe, but none made me squirm as much as wishing Frodo had not gone into Shelob's (the giant spider) cave. The dark, menacing, web-encrusted cave was enough to make me slide around in my chair, like a elementary school-aged child on too much candy the day after Halloween. But the unseen, creepy spider (ugh...I hate spiders) waiting in the deep shadows to feast on his blood was almost too much for me to bear.

There are many of us today that walk with the Lord with the haunting memory of our disappointments, failures, shame and rejection and all that comes with it. It ends up being a pretty complex pattern that can inhibit growth and keep us alone and isolated.

My personal failures have certainly caused me a great deal of shame and disgrace. And as I've made my own Exodus out of captivity, I have at times, felt like I have wondered in the desert for 40 years. For me it has felt like a "two steps forward and one step back" kind of journey. But that has been changing. As the Holy Spirit, has been graciously leading me out of my chains and into the light of His freedom and deliverance, I have been increasingly aware of the traps and distractions around me.

I can honestly say that I still have moments where I feel dragged back into discouragement and depression, but God's grace is more evident in my life, than when I first began. Notice, I said more evident, not greater. I believe His grace is constant and full and I am seeing the greater horizon of it.

I was reading today in Joshua 5 and two things immediately stood out to me. In verse 9, we see God declaring that the reproach (disgrace and shame) of Egypt was no more. It was rolled away. And Joshua named the place Gilgal or "rolled away", as a reminder to all of the people. But if you read verses 1-8, you see that the men of Israel experienced the mark of God on their lives through circumcision. An entire generation in the desert had traveled from point A-B, knowing that Jehovah was God, He delivered them from slavery in Egypt, gave them the 10 commandments, provided for them in a dry and thirsty land, BUT not one male child held the mark of covenant with God.

That's pretty amazing to me! In this passage we see that God is calling an entire generation to the physical act of being set aside, marked and called. And what's more...they are in a place of weakness, because just days before, they crossed the Jordan river and are now in the enemies territory.

So what does this mean for me or you? Well, I would say that I believe that the HS is bringing believers into a place of complete weakness and having no confidence in themselves. And in that moment, He comes to circumcise our hearts, which is extremely painful and uncomfortable. Honestly, I hate it! It's painful for me to come face to face with these things in me.

And as we recover and find that place of rest before Him, He proclaims that the past is washed away. All the shame, failures, inadequacy, etc...gone, rolled away. It is our Gilgal. And that is when we learn to walk out our weakness and find Him strong, faithful and victorious in our life.

It's been painful to deal with these things in my life God, but oh I so desire to be full of You...consecrated, set aside. Fulfill the plans and purposes you have for me. Amen!

Reckless Love...

http://youtu.be/B2k48D-B2bg
As I journeyed out of darkness into the light...God totally ambushed me one day. I was totally unprepared for the message of love that He would thrust into my reality. Two things that I have always been able to relate to are: Bible stories involving broken and marginalized people like Mary Magdeline, David and Bathsheba and the OT story of the Prophet Hosea and Gomer. (You will get the idea as you read through my blog posts). The second thing is maybe less spiritual...but non the less...musicals are at the heart of what I love. Now back to the beginning...
When I was at my lowest point spiritually, I finally found time to watch the musical Moulin Rouge. I had been meaning to watch it for years. I gotta say, at the very heart of it...it captured these two things I've most related to. God got me with music and a Hosea & Gomer story.
The movie had been so well crafted to include the "Gomer" character of Satine (whose name actually means "beautiful") and Hosea character "Christian" (surprise there...this is also the Christ character...with the name meaning "Christ-like")
In the heart of the movie, Christian, who is desperately wooing and trying to draw Satine, the harlot to himself and convince her of his love, is trying to verbalize his love.
In one scene...she is behaving in such a perfectly wordly and sensual way, rolling around and moaning...thinking this is what he was wanting.
And Christian shouts out a verse that is so alarming that it immediately catches her off guard and draws her attention away from her railing. "My gift is my song..." The intensity of the look in her eyes is what got me as she was caught unguarded. Only love could be so strong as to unravel all our pretenses, hurts, fears and shame.
What happened at that moment is nothing short of a miracle.
I was immediately roused from my own shameful behavior. And like Satine, whose gaze was so fixated on the man who was singing a love song....I was immediately stunned and captivated by the love of the One man Jesus. He ravished me in a moment and I was completely stripped of all my guile, shame, fear and lonliness.
All I could do was sit and sob. I was awestruck! What an amazing love...and I'd like to share with you what shattered my heart at one precious moment. Here is the link of the song and scene from the movie. But I highly recommend you see the whole movie. It is an amazing story of the Father's love, with all kinds of symbolism and imagery that you must have eyes to see and ears to hear.

This in only a portion of what I can share, because it's much deeper than mere words. There is so much more...and I want to know His love.

Deeper Still...Joy in the Journey

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with....A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you." A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. I can see some deep meaning here but when I consider this next to the death of Christ, I am face to face with the deeper reality...an agony, a disgrace, and shame. The Word says he was marked, wounded, rejected for our transgression...pierced for our iniquity...that God placed on him the sin of the world...and through his suffering we received our healing.

I am overwhelmed, awestruck...quieted by this amazing love.

Can the man who was so wounded, who bore all the sins of the world, really really carry it all? All the shame, blame, heartache, rejection? For all my life, I thought I knew. He could carry the sins of a broken generation, who did not understand or even want him. But what I wanted to experience was the love and forgiveness of a god, who would rush to the back of a room, to the one sitting in the corner. I wanted to see the grace of a savior who would hunt down the maligned and marginalized. I wanted to experience the gentle touch of a shepherd who would seek out the lost and lonely one....the one that was picked last during kickball, the one laughed at and called sissy, the one who never seemed to quite get it.

Why did I want to experience this so badly? You see, I was the lost one, the geeky and awkward one who never quite fit in. Between tripping over my own feet or getting my shoelaces caught up in the pedals of my bike and falling over or being the last one picked for games, I never saw myself as something of worth. I was sensitive and out of place. And it only scarred me more deeply to hear the painful taunts of my peers..."queer", "momma's boy", "gay".

When I was about 5 I experienced a wounding that left a deep scar. I have no memory of his name or even how we met, but is actions left in indelible mark on my soul. He was about 16 or 17 and walking his own broken walk. I remember vividly loving the attention that he showed me. There was a lot going on during those 2-3 years that I didn't really understand until I was much older. It was this experience that set the stage for my understanding of sex and image. When I was about 15 I began to relive memories of that sexual abuse. And it was about this time that I began to explore some of the sensationalized feelings with my peers.

It was a dark time! I was suicidal and full of self-hate during my high school years. I still felt the same outsider emotions of my childhood, but now the emotions were intensified. Those early experiences confused me. Christian? Maybe. gay? I prayed not. The swirling emotions choking me. Desire and rejection are formidable! Their union produces shame, isolation and self-hatred.

Beyond my teenage years, through college, marriage, career choices and on...I replicated the same destructive patterns. I sought counseling, prayer and all kinds of help.

I cannot begin to share all the experiences in my life; some good, some bad, that have led me to this point. I can testify that there were times that when I look back, that I can honestly say, "I'm amazed that I am alive." and there are other times that I could say, "Wow, I'm glad that I'm alive." My life has been dotted with expressions of living as an object of wrath, as I would explore sexual situations that I would never be glad about sharing.

And I would have to share at this moment, that my wonderful and amazing wife Colleen has walked most of this difficult journey with me. I would also like to add, that I have diligently sought accountability all my life. A few years ago, I came very close to cutting off everyone in my life after we (Colleen and I) decided to seek transparency and open ourselves to the counsel of a church leader. What he spoke into my life, was nothing more than a message of defeat and hopelessness. His advice to me was that I needed to deal with my own demons, and that I was as an object of wrath...there was really no hope for me. "I was an abomination!"

I have to say, that if you would graph my life, this moment would be one of the two lowest moments that I have experienced. It was like being winded in a sports game. I couldn't feel anything other than numbness and panic. It was during this point in the journey that I basically gave up. I determined that if I was without hope and an abomination, that what was the point of trying. I became the dark that I felt I was expected to be. Afterall...if I was doomed from the beginning then, "what the hell."

For the next, almost three years, I ran away...deeper and deeper into debauchery and idolatry, forsaking all I knew and running full away from God, my wife, my children and all I had known. If I was going to bear the scourge of being a gay man without hope, then I was going to go down in a tragic spectacle. I lived as one isolated, cutting off everyone. I recklessly sought out all kinds of loose living. I was going as far as I could, and if I died in the meantime, then "good".

I found myself in the farthest corner of the darkest room (so to speak), desperate and alone. And the ones whom I had given myself to...they were nothing more than hollow, self-pleasers too. I was maligned and marginalized by everyone I met. But this confused me greatly, because these were the ones who I could supposedly relate to. I found myself running out of steam quickly. Wounded, bruised, afraid, alone; as far away as I could go...I stopped!!!

It was then that I began to learn a deeper meaning of love. At her invitation, I reluctantly began to pray simple, frustrating, and sometimes angry prayers with my wife. And you know what? Things began to change.

The One perfect man, found me in the dark isolated place, rejected and wounded and drew me unto himself, washed me and cleaned me up (and that is another story). And He did an amazing thing...something I could never do. He called me by name...and I discovered that I am HIS! I have always been one who hates stereotypes, name-calling and the sort. I am neither one who is gay or even curious. BUT I am one who is seeking to live in the shadow of His wing, and to find my identity in Him alone. God has so much more to do in my life, my marriage, my family...and I am pleased that He is my JOY IN THE JOURNEY!


"Who has believed our report? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, And as a root out of dry ground.
He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him.
He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. "
Isaiah 53:1-5

CONSTANT.

So this weeks has been a bit challenging...

After God opened me up to dealing with some deep-rooted and painful issues of bitterness, I kinda went in a tail spin and felt discouraged and unsure of myself.  Maybe even acted a little braty. I wasn’t walking in complete disobedience and unfaithfulness?  But I was feeling discouraged and down. And really tried to isolate myself from everyone.

Tuesday morning (after about 3 days of struggle) I felt like the HS was kindly dealing with my heart.  I could sense that he was dealing with me to be prepared for what was next.  As if preparation was what I needed. I could picture myself hiding among the baggage (I Sam 10:22), sullen and rejected (really, baggage was a good way to describe this). Like Saul, I was face to face with my inadequacy, insecurity and feeling like I didn’t measure up.

No, but really...it was pretty bad.  

So this is where I am in the journey. God is preparing the heart of his children. In the face of adversity, confusion, fear, turmoil, depression and more...God is preparing a steadfast testimony to his love and grace within us; his bride.  We find ourselves in a place of weakness and emptiness. So we must press in to a quiet, sure, and consistent posture of knowing Him.

When the economic institutions fail, and they will...what will fail within me? When government systems and politics erode into anarchy...where will I find stability? Will there be any part of me that is dependent on the programs, patterns and plans of this world.

When I weigh my personal likes and desires in this same scale, I think that is where I am found to be the most wanting. Temporal desires, wants and thrills make up the rest of this. The constant need to be entertained: ipods, movies, games, music, etc... And the constant need to be filled with the temporal: foods, sleep, and those other things that seemingly fill and satisfy the senses (I know these are all necessary for living, but hopefully you get what I'm saying...these things aren't a god).

The word that stands out to me in all this is “constant”. My constant has been easily categorized as a hyper-active, ad-hd, over-stimulated, over-sugared, over-indulged child. When you boil it down and look at it full in the face, it’s like looking into the eyes of a pouty, spoiled child.

But this will not do. I must press in...and find the place of rest and steadfastness. Wow...it’s not easy. I feel very vulnerable and exposed.

Father, I pray that you will strengthen my weak heart and mind. Trim off the dead branches and cause me to dwell within you. You are my strength, my hope, my desire. There is no other one, thing or want that compares to you. Let me abide in you, and dwell in the richness of your word. Consume me in the fire of your passion and let me remain in your goodness. I want to bless you! In Jesus’ name...Amen!

Beast! (a poem)

This is about as raw as it gets. In a more desperate and depressed time in my life, writing this helped me get the feelings and emotion out. I do not find myself at this same desperate point in my life at this moment...but I do find unfinished, undone areas of my heart need to touch of a Savior. I have many times told my children, "You never fail any of God's tests...He always gives you a chance to take them again, so you can pass." I guess I'm taking some of my own medicine right now.

Beast-
Not so long ago, I lived life in a pit.
Shovel and pick in hand, I dug down deep...past clay, root and stone; I dug.
This hole would never be deep enough, for you see it was punishment.
Punishment for sin.
A debt that I owed that I could never repay.
Deeper I dug, past 5, 10, 15 feet...on and on!
The light above me chocking me as I disappeared.

Outside the pit, I could hear the voices of men and women.
Some knew I was there...for you see, for them, this was JUSTICE.
And some did not know, but if they had, they would have only shaken their heads in sad, sad sorrow.
None regarded my state, and slowly I began to give no regard to myself.
Swirling emotions poured over me, drenching me...mired.
Cold and chilled to the bone, I pulled the ragged garments around me
...guilt, shame, loathing, bitterness were my only clothing now.

In this cell of hopelessness, no one saw and no one knew
Could anything bring relief to the voices that filled my head...anyone?
"You deserve all of this", "I wish I could hurt you more", "You've ruined everything"
These curses seared into my mind, scarred my heart.
Branded and marked, now I was nothing more than a beast of burden.
...more like a beast!"

This poem marked me at a time when I felt pretty hopeless.  But God is a Faithful Father.  The One who created me, knew me and I was changed!  Life and light set me free!

"...whom the son sets free is free indeed..." John 8:36

Working in a friend's yard today when my son and I noticed the neighbors tree. Gnarled and twisted, with major scaring and bumps it had amazingly grown around and into a fence. Now, for those who do not know, I love trees. I find such beauty in their sprawling branches and the unique way they grow. This possessed me with a special interest. When faced with the fence, it integrated and struggled through the growing process in order to attain its stature. I don't think this tree had achieved the fullness of the way it was created to grow. It looks like the years of adapting to the fence was a painful process.

I think this is true for us as humans....when faced with an obstacle. In most cases, we are become complacent and lazy and don't fight the obstacles that present themselves, "It's just part of life." "I'll just make the best of it." and so on. This is not part of abundant life in the spirit. John 10:10 says that the thief (the devil) comes to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus has come to bring abundant life. We must be enabled with the divine revelation of our Heavenly Father, who has given us ALL THINGS, in Christ. And it's through a spirit of wisdom and revelation that we move from captivity, bondage, fear, neglect and "living with the way things have been" to living as ones set free.

Yes Lord! AMEN!

Dark but Lovely

http://youtu.be/QyojhQjTt0M

"I cant understand this work of grace,
How a perfect God, would come and take my place!

Stars, they don't move You,
Waves, can't undo You,
Mountains, in their splendor, they cannot steal Your heart!

This God who is holy,
Perfect in Beauty!
Awesome in Glory!
Is ravished by my heart!

Though I'm poor, You say, "I am lovely."
Though I'm dark, You say, "I am beautiful."

Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You
And somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart."

Words by Sarah Edwards.

I have been awed and struck by the words of these words, once again. I feels like I come with such broken, selfish and immature love to the Lord. It's all I have! And even the moments when I feel on top of the mountain (though few and far between), somehow pale in comparison when Jesus starts loving on me.

I am simply stilled and quieted with the amazing love of the Father, as He says over me. "Graham, even the weak glance, of your tear-stained face overwhelms me. Your love for me, although small and weak has stolen away my heart. You are beautiful to me...I love you!"

...the desire of His heart

“For thus says the Lord of hosts: ‘Once more (it is a little while) I will shake heaven and earth, the sea and dry land; and I will shake all nations, and they shall come to the Desire of All Nations, and I will fill this temple with glory,’ says the Lord of hosts. (Haggai 2:6, 7 NKJV)

Jesus...Prophet, Priest and King and Desire of All Nations!

Often I have been ruled by the wants, passion and desire of my flesh. And I am still amazed that the God-man Jesus loves me and calls me unto Himself; loved, washed, forgiven.

He is shaking the ground of my heart, unto deeper levels. Breaking off the chains of despair, the agony of rejection, the suffering of self-inflicted sin and bringing me out of my loathsome isolation.

And I feel, being birthed in me....a love, a desire for this One. It is a result of the shaking in my life. And yep, I'm even coming to love the shaking.

John 17 so perfectly clarifies Haggai 2:6-7, as Jesus prays for us, interceding to the Father.

....His Glory shinning out in us bringing unity to the members, being made perfect, being LOVED as the Father has loved Jesus.

And right in the middle, Jesus says, "I Desire..." The Desire of All Nations, desires us! He desires us to behold His Glory! Wow!!! We the living temple of the Lord, beholding His glory. Being filled with desire for Him...greater than all that we hold dear.

The zeal of the Lord will do this.

Proverbs 8 takes all of this a bit deeper by showing the passion behind the desire; Jesus, as Wisdom, is seen as the delight of His Father's heart, rejoicing in the Father's creation and taking GREAT DELIGHT in us. AMAZING!!!

I am blown away and amazed! How Great is this abiding love...that we should be called and loved...
Father's love, Jesus Desire strip away all my selfishness, idolatry, shame. And all I have left is Him.

I AM HIS DESIRE!

“I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me. “Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.” (John 17:20-26 NKJV)

"Then I was beside Him as a master craftsman; and I was daily His delight, rejoicing always before Him, rejoicing in His inhabited world, and my delight was with the sons of man." (Proverbs 8: 30-31 NKJV)

Beauty of the King

"Your eyes will see the King in His beauty..." (Isaiah 33:17a NKJV)

Jesus...desire of my heart...Desire of Nations. You are the Beautiful One!
How can I perceive your beauty?

Help me to see the truth of who you are.

How can I remain in this knowledge of you, Beautiful Savior?
I wait....I wait....until it is birthed in me.

A desire to KNOW you, to GAZE upon your beauty.

More of you, less of me!

Lily of the Valley, Bright and Morning Star, Fairest of Ten-Thousand
I long to see you face to face!

How long must I wait to be transformed by your beauty?
I wait....I wait....until it becomes who I am,

Until I see none other than you, I gaze until...

...I am delighted!

Beautiful One!

Steps toward fruitfulness

Can I tell you a story
As we dance while the sun starts to bleed,
Song of songs love is calling
Daughter wake up from your sleep

Refined I’ll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I’ll be treasured over all the earth
Bearing the gift of a new heart
Patience ablaze
I’m slowly burning

Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth. 
Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure
I'll be treasured over all the earth

I am in awe and in shock
I’m in love and given away
I’m reserved with these words

Can I tell you a story
As we dance while the Son starts to bleed
Trees rejoice with the wind here
Hallelujah, Yeshua

Tonight I’ve become the most dazzling precious
I am treasured over all the earth
Just look at what he’s done
How he’s laying down his life
Take this life
oh most dazzling precious treasure

Tonight I’ve become the most dazzling precious treasure
I am treasured over all the earth 

“Treasure” lyrics by Flyleaf


We are called to be refined and beautiful, bearing the image of the Creator...passionate and full of desire for the One who desires us completely.
Yes Lord....let it be done in me according to your word!

Perspecitve...beauty in the broken

So one of the issues that has been on my heart is "forgiveness".
Particularly forgiving myself. This is something I have always struggled with. I heard a radio host give a blurb on this during the first week of the year. And during the next few days I was nailed again and again.
What struck me the most about this was how quickly I seem to be able to forgive the grievances against me by someone else.
But when it comes to dealing with myself...I am ruthless. I guess that makes me my own worst enemy. It kind of reminds me of a character from the movie "The Secret Garden". Archibald Craven, father of Colin a sickly child, was very aloof and hidden away. He neglected his child and pulled away from everyone. He had been so wounded by his own regret and ineffectiveness that he acted in the only way he could: Neglect for himself and others.
And in much the same way, I have acted callously toward myself, effecting others out of that hurt. My own lack of self-forgiveness has blocked my interactions with others many times.
A few weeks ago, I was spending time in quiet, listening prayer. I was praying through a few things that were on my heart. And there it was. I was faced with forgiving myself. As I prayed for God to release me and begin to free my heart from this pain, I saw, what I'd describe as a vision (for those not comfortable with that word...a colorful picture in my mind...ha,ha).
I was standing in front of a large, roaring bonfire (kind of like the bonfire from The Secret Garden). Across from me was the figure of a man, adorned in the costume of a Indian warrior. He was wearing a beautiful garment of eagle feathers. It reminded me of an "Eagle Warrior" outfit that Native Americans wear. His chest was guarded with a handmade vest, that appeared to be made of wooden beads. From the waist down he was wearing leather trousers, but what captivated me was the feathers. His back and arms were full of these beautiful eagle feathers. And crowning his head was a beautifully crested cap that resembled an eagles face.
This Eagle Dancer was beautiful to watch as he fanned his feathery arms high then low in a twirling dance, imitating an eagle's flight.
I then saw a sorely isolated eagle perched high on a cliff. His feathers were ruffled and he looked tired. I somehow knew this majestic bird was molting and at the moment, unqualified to take to the skies. And there it sat...hidden away with it's tattered plumage. I felt like that eagle symboized me.
I was then transported back to the fire and continued to watch the Eagle Dancer. But now I was more aware of the feathers that he wore. I knew those feathers were from the "unqualified" eagle. And yet, they looked very regal and beautiful. Even though I thought they were unfit to adorn this amazing dancer, they were not. It was then that the Eagle Dancer looked up and stared me directly in the face. It was powerful! I came face to face with this warrior. Our eyes locked. And as he looked at me I realized who he was. He was Jesus! He was my Eagle Dancer and he was dancing over me. He had taken the thing that I thought had failed me and made it beautiful. He was using what I called weakness and gave me "beauty for ashes".
The cry of my heart in that moment was Yes, Lord...I forgive myself. I want to know you in this way.
It's still tough for me to think in those terms, but I still cry out to see the beauty in the broken.


Zephaniah 3:17
17 The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Oh how He loves me....

On Monday evening 7-25, I had a rough day at work, and some other struggles going on personally and with my family. I had already been fussing with my son and wife, and then the paint can spilled on the cushioned chair in the kitchen area....it was defiantly one of those "aaargh" moments. I certainly felt I was missing out on some of the good things of God and the devil was basically telling me that what was the point, I was a looser and I would never amount to anything and that I might as well give up. I ended up going to bed discouraged. And I woke up the next morning, feeling much the same way.
But God faithfully went before me, helping me see his mercy and grace in the midst. I could feel the clouds of discouragement lifting as I began my drive to work. I spent time praying and worshipping as I drove. It was becoming a very personal encounter with the Father as I felt him loving on me and encouraging my spirit.
And then came the unexpected kiss. I went to Kwikshop to get some gas and a coffee. When I walked into the store the Father put the icing on what was beginning to become a very intimate, healing time. My already soft heart was prepared for His kiss. Playing on the overhead speaker in the store was a song by Faith Hill..."The way you love me".
"Oh, I love the way, love the way you love me...there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
Oh, to feel the way I feel with your arms around me...I only wish that you could see the way you love me. ".
I was done! I started crying as I poured the coffee in my cup. Wow...a kiss from Father! It was so intimate and special. I was still wiping tears from my eyes as I got into line to pay.
As I got into my car to continue my commute, the words still resonated I'm my head. I had a deep sense that The Father was so pleased with me...even in my weak moments; when my failings seemed so clear and through all my struggles with discouragement, He was pleased with me. And even my weak love of worshipping Him and praying had so captivated His heart that He wanted me to know that He loved the way I loved Him.
"Oh, I love the way you love me, Graham."
I love you too, Abba!