a look back...for those who know...Hollow Man (a poem)

I really felt that I needed to post this poem from my past. This was written at a time when I was feeling the lowest and most distant I think I could have gone from the loving arms of my Savior. I pray and hope that this will reach some soul tonight. It is a sober and bleak poem, but one that defined how I felt at the time. I couldn't see it then, but Jesus was there, with me...in the darkest place.

There is hope in Christ for those wrestling with addiction, for those bound with sexual sin and sexual brokenness.  You may be crying out for help in the quiet place where no one else sees. There is One who sees your tears, feels your desperate cries and loves you with an everlasting love. He feels exactly what you feel and knows you at the deepest levels!

Hollow Man

And as I stare, longing yet empty handed still. 
I have desperately wanted the thing I dared not pursue,
The passion that I had so forcefully declined and the love that I was sure I did not deserve.
This shadow of heartache now falls; 
Slowly at first, creeping, quietly consuming every path it crosses.

Inclined to run, I cannot;
Paralysis has gripped every muscle, 
And I am hopeless to escape this consuming blot.
Eluded, robbed and feeling like a scorned lover,
I admit my own personal defeat.


I am helpless to fight anymore,
What I have been all along;
I clump in a pile and fade to a posture of release.
And as this tunnel of darkness surrounds me I feel hollow; 
Empty inside.
Devoid inside and out, 
I am simply a shell of a man.
Consumed now, I have become a thing, 
That I have been fearful to define; 
To feel...to accept...to love.

And I am lost, like a child in a wood!
I can longer tell if my eyes are open or closed; 
So real, this darkness has surrounded me. 
It is me!
I can feel it, wrapping its coldness around me, 
Touching my skin, filling each breath...making me one of it's own. Dark!
To the deepest part of me now it spills,
And I feel hopeless to fight any longer...
....I am a Hollow Man!

...the turning aside

So Moses said, “I must step aside and see this great thing, why the bush is not being burned up." The Lord saw him step aside and look. And God called to him from inside the bush, saying, "Moses, Moses!" Moses answered, "Here I am."Exodus 3:3-4.

God is ALWAYS speaking! It may be that He speaks with a whisper on the wind, like to Elijah or he may speak with an impression, through a memory, a book, a movie, a beautiful progression of chords on the piano. But He most assuredly speaks!

But do we listen?

Did it take 80 years for Moses to be in a place where he was willing to listen? Maybe. After he left Egypt he lived on the backside of the desert for 40 years. He had been a sheep herder for most of that time for his father-in-law. And I feel pretty sure that He had been to Mt. Horeb many times.

I feel like I am just getting to a place in life where I am beginning to feel like I have impressions from the Lord, and where I am sensing He is leading me, as I call out to Him. It is a truly wonderful thing!

Monday March 19th, I was abruptly awakened, for the second time in a month, but this time by the whining of coyotes near our house. After I had gone outside to make a racket to scare them away, I laid back down and looked at the time. It was 4:20am. (I had a 4:20am experience on Feb 27, 2012.) It was again, one of those moments when I was sure God was speaking to me. And just then, I suddenly remembered that just before I was awakened, that I had been dreaming.

In this dream, I was looking at a map of Brazil. I stood over a small table as the map laid open in front of me. I was busy studying the map...plotting a course. On the map was a label "A" and "B". I somehow knew that I was trying to get from point "A" to "B". I realized that dense rain forest lay between the two locations...and as I stood pondering, that's when I was awakened.

I rolled over in my bed and began to pray. I asked God to give me understanding as to what was happening. And that's when it happened. The words "And he turned aside." popped into my mind. This reminded me of Moses in his wilderness experience, so I found myself reading Exodus 3 to try and gain some understanding.

And this is what I've concluded so far. God is always speaking...through experiences, relationships, events, and common everyday stuff. But too often we are too busy to notice. We have so occupied our lives that we hardly notice the time in between breakfast and dinner...and much less the time as we rest. And in our current age, we have so many preoccupations; FB, Twitter, TV, Movies, Texting, Xbox, Radio, Podcasts, etc... and we have become obsessively consumed with activity to the point of Narcissism. We have settled for a warm fuzzy that is seemingly enough to fill the void...and we become comfortable with a superficial relationship with God.

But I think God is calling us to deeper. I think He desires to engage us just like the child Samuel in the temple, Elijah the Prophet in the desert, Daniel in the Lion's Den, and Moses at the Burning Bush.

He loves us so much to continue to engage us at whatever level we choose to take...because He wants to be near us. He will choose to be near us in our fast-paced, fast food lives and is looking for the moment...the moment when He can catch our attention. He is looking for the opportunity to distract us in such a way that we say, "What's this amazing thing...."

And in that Holy moment, when we TURN aside, I believe He will be right there, noticing and we will be stunned at that moment when He engages us at the heart level. It's pretty sweet!

Even now God, I turn aside, quiet my heart, and look to you. I wait for you to engage me...here...now! Come!

James 4:8 "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."

...when a whisper roars

My wife and I were at a concert the other night in downtown Wichita. During the event, the singer/songwriter/conductor asked if anyone had heard of the "Butterfly Effect". I had to admit that in essence I had heard of this, but knew nothing about the theory behind it.

So what is the Butterfly Effect, for those who may not know? Essentially, it is the idea that the brush of a butterfly's wing on one side of the world could bring about gigantic change on the other side of the world.

Immediately, the Holy Spirit quickened to me that this is the same effect that is seen in the spirit when we pray the Lord's pray...."Your Kingdom Come, Your Will Be Done."

And that is pretty profound to me. The God of Heaven takes very seriously our prayer, even in the quiet moments to bring about Gigantic changes in the Earth.

It is an establishment of His Kingdom, His Government, His Lordship over all creation. And He chooses to partner with us to bring about these earth-shaking, powerful changes.

Now that is AMAZING!