marked...

Joshua 5:9 "Today I (the Lord) have rolled away the reproach of Egypt..." at a place called Gilgal.

The battle is in our mind.

When I sat and watched the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy (like all 12 hours, uncut), many of the scenes spoke to me, some made me cringe, but none made me squirm as much as wishing Frodo had not gone into Shelob's (the giant spider) cave. The dark, menacing, web-encrusted cave was enough to make me slide around in my chair, like a elementary school-aged child on too much candy the day after Halloween. But the unseen, creepy spider (ugh...I hate spiders) waiting in the deep shadows to feast on his blood was almost too much for me to bear.

There are many of us today that walk with the Lord with the haunting memory of our disappointments, failures, shame and rejection and all that comes with it. It ends up being a pretty complex pattern that can inhibit growth and keep us alone and isolated.

My personal failures have certainly caused me a great deal of shame and disgrace. And as I've made my own Exodus out of captivity, I have at times, felt like I have wondered in the desert for 40 years. For me it has felt like a "two steps forward and one step back" kind of journey. But that has been changing. As the Holy Spirit, has been graciously leading me out of my chains and into the light of His freedom and deliverance, I have been increasingly aware of the traps and distractions around me.

I can honestly say that I still have moments where I feel dragged back into discouragement and depression, but God's grace is more evident in my life, than when I first began. Notice, I said more evident, not greater. I believe His grace is constant and full and I am seeing the greater horizon of it.

I was reading today in Joshua 5 and two things immediately stood out to me. In verse 9, we see God declaring that the reproach (disgrace and shame) of Egypt was no more. It was rolled away. And Joshua named the place Gilgal or "rolled away", as a reminder to all of the people. But if you read verses 1-8, you see that the men of Israel experienced the mark of God on their lives through circumcision. An entire generation in the desert had traveled from point A-B, knowing that Jehovah was God, He delivered them from slavery in Egypt, gave them the 10 commandments, provided for them in a dry and thirsty land, BUT not one male child held the mark of covenant with God.

That's pretty amazing to me! In this passage we see that God is calling an entire generation to the physical act of being set aside, marked and called. And what's more...they are in a place of weakness, because just days before, they crossed the Jordan river and are now in the enemies territory.

So what does this mean for me or you? Well, I would say that I believe that the HS is bringing believers into a place of complete weakness and having no confidence in themselves. And in that moment, He comes to circumcise our hearts, which is extremely painful and uncomfortable. Honestly, I hate it! It's painful for me to come face to face with these things in me.

And as we recover and find that place of rest before Him, He proclaims that the past is washed away. All the shame, failures, inadequacy, etc...gone, rolled away. It is our Gilgal. And that is when we learn to walk out our weakness and find Him strong, faithful and victorious in our life.

It's been painful to deal with these things in my life God, but oh I so desire to be full of You...consecrated, set aside. Fulfill the plans and purposes you have for me. Amen!

Reckless Love...

http://youtu.be/B2k48D-B2bg
As I journeyed out of darkness into the light...God totally ambushed me one day. I was totally unprepared for the message of love that He would thrust into my reality. Two things that I have always been able to relate to are: Bible stories involving broken and marginalized people like Mary Magdeline, David and Bathsheba and the OT story of the Prophet Hosea and Gomer. (You will get the idea as you read through my blog posts). The second thing is maybe less spiritual...but non the less...musicals are at the heart of what I love. Now back to the beginning...
When I was at my lowest point spiritually, I finally found time to watch the musical Moulin Rouge. I had been meaning to watch it for years. I gotta say, at the very heart of it...it captured these two things I've most related to. God got me with music and a Hosea & Gomer story.
The movie had been so well crafted to include the "Gomer" character of Satine (whose name actually means "beautiful") and Hosea character "Christian" (surprise there...this is also the Christ character...with the name meaning "Christ-like")
In the heart of the movie, Christian, who is desperately wooing and trying to draw Satine, the harlot to himself and convince her of his love, is trying to verbalize his love.
In one scene...she is behaving in such a perfectly wordly and sensual way, rolling around and moaning...thinking this is what he was wanting.
And Christian shouts out a verse that is so alarming that it immediately catches her off guard and draws her attention away from her railing. "My gift is my song..." The intensity of the look in her eyes is what got me as she was caught unguarded. Only love could be so strong as to unravel all our pretenses, hurts, fears and shame.
What happened at that moment is nothing short of a miracle.
I was immediately roused from my own shameful behavior. And like Satine, whose gaze was so fixated on the man who was singing a love song....I was immediately stunned and captivated by the love of the One man Jesus. He ravished me in a moment and I was completely stripped of all my guile, shame, fear and lonliness.
All I could do was sit and sob. I was awestruck! What an amazing love...and I'd like to share with you what shattered my heart at one precious moment. Here is the link of the song and scene from the movie. But I highly recommend you see the whole movie. It is an amazing story of the Father's love, with all kinds of symbolism and imagery that you must have eyes to see and ears to hear.

This in only a portion of what I can share, because it's much deeper than mere words. There is so much more...and I want to know His love.

Deeper Still...Joy in the Journey

"Never be ashamed of the scars that life has left you with....A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, you endured the pain and God has healed you." A friend of mine posted this on Facebook. I can see some deep meaning here but when I consider this next to the death of Christ, I am face to face with the deeper reality...an agony, a disgrace, and shame. The Word says he was marked, wounded, rejected for our transgression...pierced for our iniquity...that God placed on him the sin of the world...and through his suffering we received our healing.

I am overwhelmed, awestruck...quieted by this amazing love.

Can the man who was so wounded, who bore all the sins of the world, really really carry it all? All the shame, blame, heartache, rejection? For all my life, I thought I knew. He could carry the sins of a broken generation, who did not understand or even want him. But what I wanted to experience was the love and forgiveness of a god, who would rush to the back of a room, to the one sitting in the corner. I wanted to see the grace of a savior who would hunt down the maligned and marginalized. I wanted to experience the gentle touch of a shepherd who would seek out the lost and lonely one....the one that was picked last during kickball, the one laughed at and called sissy, the one who never seemed to quite get it.

Why did I want to experience this so badly? You see, I was the lost one, the geeky and awkward one who never quite fit in. Between tripping over my own feet or getting my shoelaces caught up in the pedals of my bike and falling over or being the last one picked for games, I never saw myself as something of worth. I was sensitive and out of place. And it only scarred me more deeply to hear the painful taunts of my peers..."queer", "momma's boy", "gay".

When I was about 5 I experienced a wounding that left a deep scar. I have no memory of his name or even how we met, but is actions left in indelible mark on my soul. He was about 16 or 17 and walking his own broken walk. I remember vividly loving the attention that he showed me. There was a lot going on during those 2-3 years that I didn't really understand until I was much older. It was this experience that set the stage for my understanding of sex and image. When I was about 15 I began to relive memories of that sexual abuse. And it was about this time that I began to explore some of the sensationalized feelings with my peers.

It was a dark time! I was suicidal and full of self-hate during my high school years. I still felt the same outsider emotions of my childhood, but now the emotions were intensified. Those early experiences confused me. Christian? Maybe. gay? I prayed not. The swirling emotions choking me. Desire and rejection are formidable! Their union produces shame, isolation and self-hatred.

Beyond my teenage years, through college, marriage, career choices and on...I replicated the same destructive patterns. I sought counseling, prayer and all kinds of help.

I cannot begin to share all the experiences in my life; some good, some bad, that have led me to this point. I can testify that there were times that when I look back, that I can honestly say, "I'm amazed that I am alive." and there are other times that I could say, "Wow, I'm glad that I'm alive." My life has been dotted with expressions of living as an object of wrath, as I would explore sexual situations that I would never be glad about sharing.

And I would have to share at this moment, that my wonderful and amazing wife Colleen has walked most of this difficult journey with me. I would also like to add, that I have diligently sought accountability all my life. A few years ago, I came very close to cutting off everyone in my life after we (Colleen and I) decided to seek transparency and open ourselves to the counsel of a church leader. What he spoke into my life, was nothing more than a message of defeat and hopelessness. His advice to me was that I needed to deal with my own demons, and that I was as an object of wrath...there was really no hope for me. "I was an abomination!"

I have to say, that if you would graph my life, this moment would be one of the two lowest moments that I have experienced. It was like being winded in a sports game. I couldn't feel anything other than numbness and panic. It was during this point in the journey that I basically gave up. I determined that if I was without hope and an abomination, that what was the point of trying. I became the dark that I felt I was expected to be. Afterall...if I was doomed from the beginning then, "what the hell."

For the next, almost three years, I ran away...deeper and deeper into debauchery and idolatry, forsaking all I knew and running full away from God, my wife, my children and all I had known. If I was going to bear the scourge of being a gay man without hope, then I was going to go down in a tragic spectacle. I lived as one isolated, cutting off everyone. I recklessly sought out all kinds of loose living. I was going as far as I could, and if I died in the meantime, then "good".

I found myself in the farthest corner of the darkest room (so to speak), desperate and alone. And the ones whom I had given myself to...they were nothing more than hollow, self-pleasers too. I was maligned and marginalized by everyone I met. But this confused me greatly, because these were the ones who I could supposedly relate to. I found myself running out of steam quickly. Wounded, bruised, afraid, alone; as far away as I could go...I stopped!!!

It was then that I began to learn a deeper meaning of love. At her invitation, I reluctantly began to pray simple, frustrating, and sometimes angry prayers with my wife. And you know what? Things began to change.

The One perfect man, found me in the dark isolated place, rejected and wounded and drew me unto himself, washed me and cleaned me up (and that is another story). And He did an amazing thing...something I could never do. He called me by name...and I discovered that I am HIS! I have always been one who hates stereotypes, name-calling and the sort. I am neither one who is gay or even curious. BUT I am one who is seeking to live in the shadow of His wing, and to find my identity in Him alone. God has so much more to do in my life, my marriage, my family...and I am pleased that He is my JOY IN THE JOURNEY!


"Who has believed our report? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, And as a root out of dry ground.
He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him.
He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. "
Isaiah 53:1-5

CONSTANT.

So this weeks has been a bit challenging...

After God opened me up to dealing with some deep-rooted and painful issues of bitterness, I kinda went in a tail spin and felt discouraged and unsure of myself.  Maybe even acted a little braty. I wasn’t walking in complete disobedience and unfaithfulness?  But I was feeling discouraged and down. And really tried to isolate myself from everyone.

Tuesday morning (after about 3 days of struggle) I felt like the HS was kindly dealing with my heart.  I could sense that he was dealing with me to be prepared for what was next.  As if preparation was what I needed. I could picture myself hiding among the baggage (I Sam 10:22), sullen and rejected (really, baggage was a good way to describe this). Like Saul, I was face to face with my inadequacy, insecurity and feeling like I didn’t measure up.

No, but really...it was pretty bad.  

So this is where I am in the journey. God is preparing the heart of his children. In the face of adversity, confusion, fear, turmoil, depression and more...God is preparing a steadfast testimony to his love and grace within us; his bride.  We find ourselves in a place of weakness and emptiness. So we must press in to a quiet, sure, and consistent posture of knowing Him.

When the economic institutions fail, and they will...what will fail within me? When government systems and politics erode into anarchy...where will I find stability? Will there be any part of me that is dependent on the programs, patterns and plans of this world.

When I weigh my personal likes and desires in this same scale, I think that is where I am found to be the most wanting. Temporal desires, wants and thrills make up the rest of this. The constant need to be entertained: ipods, movies, games, music, etc... And the constant need to be filled with the temporal: foods, sleep, and those other things that seemingly fill and satisfy the senses (I know these are all necessary for living, but hopefully you get what I'm saying...these things aren't a god).

The word that stands out to me in all this is “constant”. My constant has been easily categorized as a hyper-active, ad-hd, over-stimulated, over-sugared, over-indulged child. When you boil it down and look at it full in the face, it’s like looking into the eyes of a pouty, spoiled child.

But this will not do. I must press in...and find the place of rest and steadfastness. Wow...it’s not easy. I feel very vulnerable and exposed.

Father, I pray that you will strengthen my weak heart and mind. Trim off the dead branches and cause me to dwell within you. You are my strength, my hope, my desire. There is no other one, thing or want that compares to you. Let me abide in you, and dwell in the richness of your word. Consume me in the fire of your passion and let me remain in your goodness. I want to bless you! In Jesus’ name...Amen!

Beast! (a poem)

This is about as raw as it gets. In a more desperate and depressed time in my life, writing this helped me get the feelings and emotion out. I do not find myself at this same desperate point in my life at this moment...but I do find unfinished, undone areas of my heart need to touch of a Savior. I have many times told my children, "You never fail any of God's tests...He always gives you a chance to take them again, so you can pass." I guess I'm taking some of my own medicine right now.

Beast-
Not so long ago, I lived life in a pit.
Shovel and pick in hand, I dug down deep...past clay, root and stone; I dug.
This hole would never be deep enough, for you see it was punishment.
Punishment for sin.
A debt that I owed that I could never repay.
Deeper I dug, past 5, 10, 15 feet...on and on!
The light above me chocking me as I disappeared.

Outside the pit, I could hear the voices of men and women.
Some knew I was there...for you see, for them, this was JUSTICE.
And some did not know, but if they had, they would have only shaken their heads in sad, sad sorrow.
None regarded my state, and slowly I began to give no regard to myself.
Swirling emotions poured over me, drenching me...mired.
Cold and chilled to the bone, I pulled the ragged garments around me
...guilt, shame, loathing, bitterness were my only clothing now.

In this cell of hopelessness, no one saw and no one knew
Could anything bring relief to the voices that filled my head...anyone?
"You deserve all of this", "I wish I could hurt you more", "You've ruined everything"
These curses seared into my mind, scarred my heart.
Branded and marked, now I was nothing more than a beast of burden.
...more like a beast!"

This poem marked me at a time when I felt pretty hopeless.  But God is a Faithful Father.  The One who created me, knew me and I was changed!  Life and light set me free!