a look back...for those who know...Hollow Man (a poem)

I really felt that I needed to post this poem from my past. This was written at a time when I was feeling the lowest and most distant I think I could have gone from the loving arms of my Savior. I pray and hope that this will reach some soul tonight. It is a sober and bleak poem, but one that defined how I felt at the time. I couldn't see it then, but Jesus was there, with me...in the darkest place.

There is hope in Christ for those wrestling with addiction, for those bound with sexual sin and sexual brokenness.  You may be crying out for help in the quiet place where no one else sees. There is One who sees your tears, feels your desperate cries and loves you with an everlasting love. He feels exactly what you feel and knows you at the deepest levels!

Hollow Man

And as I stare, longing yet empty handed still. 
I have desperately wanted the thing I dared not pursue,
The passion that I had so forcefully declined and the love that I was sure I did not deserve.
This shadow of heartache now falls; 
Slowly at first, creeping, quietly consuming every path it crosses.

Inclined to run, I cannot;
Paralysis has gripped every muscle, 
And I am hopeless to escape this consuming blot.
Eluded, robbed and feeling like a scorned lover,
I admit my own personal defeat.


I am helpless to fight anymore,
What I have been all along;
I clump in a pile and fade to a posture of release.
And as this tunnel of darkness surrounds me I feel hollow; 
Empty inside.
Devoid inside and out, 
I am simply a shell of a man.
Consumed now, I have become a thing, 
That I have been fearful to define; 
To feel...to accept...to love.

And I am lost, like a child in a wood!
I can longer tell if my eyes are open or closed; 
So real, this darkness has surrounded me. 
It is me!
I can feel it, wrapping its coldness around me, 
Touching my skin, filling each breath...making me one of it's own. Dark!
To the deepest part of me now it spills,
And I feel hopeless to fight any longer...
....I am a Hollow Man!

Beast! (a poem)

This is about as raw as it gets. In a more desperate and depressed time in my life, writing this helped me get the feelings and emotion out. I do not find myself at this same desperate point in my life at this moment...but I do find unfinished, undone areas of my heart need to touch of a Savior. I have many times told my children, "You never fail any of God's tests...He always gives you a chance to take them again, so you can pass." I guess I'm taking some of my own medicine right now.

Beast-
Not so long ago, I lived life in a pit.
Shovel and pick in hand, I dug down deep...past clay, root and stone; I dug.
This hole would never be deep enough, for you see it was punishment.
Punishment for sin.
A debt that I owed that I could never repay.
Deeper I dug, past 5, 10, 15 feet...on and on!
The light above me chocking me as I disappeared.

Outside the pit, I could hear the voices of men and women.
Some knew I was there...for you see, for them, this was JUSTICE.
And some did not know, but if they had, they would have only shaken their heads in sad, sad sorrow.
None regarded my state, and slowly I began to give no regard to myself.
Swirling emotions poured over me, drenching me...mired.
Cold and chilled to the bone, I pulled the ragged garments around me
...guilt, shame, loathing, bitterness were my only clothing now.

In this cell of hopelessness, no one saw and no one knew
Could anything bring relief to the voices that filled my head...anyone?
"You deserve all of this", "I wish I could hurt you more", "You've ruined everything"
These curses seared into my mind, scarred my heart.
Branded and marked, now I was nothing more than a beast of burden.
...more like a beast!"

This poem marked me at a time when I felt pretty hopeless.  But God is a Faithful Father.  The One who created me, knew me and I was changed!  Life and light set me free!