So one of the issues that has been on my heart is "forgiveness".
Particularly forgiving myself. This is something I have always struggled with. I heard a radio host give a blurb on this during the first week of the year. And during the next few days I was nailed again and again.
What struck me the most about this was how quickly I seem to be able to forgive the grievances against me by someone else.
But when it comes to dealing with myself...I am ruthless. I guess that makes me my own worst enemy. It kind of reminds me of a character from the movie "The Secret Garden". Archibald Craven, father of Colin a sickly child, was very aloof and hidden away. He neglected his child and pulled away from everyone. He had been so wounded by his own regret and ineffectiveness that he acted in the only way he could: Neglect for himself and others.
And in much the same way, I have acted callously toward myself, effecting others out of that hurt. My own lack of self-forgiveness has blocked my interactions with others many times.
A few weeks ago, I was spending time in quiet, listening prayer. I was praying through a few things that were on my heart. And there it was. I was faced with forgiving myself. As I prayed for God to release me and begin to free my heart from this pain, I saw, what I'd describe as a vision (for those not comfortable with that word...a colorful picture in my mind...ha,ha).
I was standing in front of a large, roaring bonfire (kind of like the bonfire from The Secret Garden). Across from me was the figure of a man, adorned in the costume of a Indian warrior. He was wearing a beautiful garment of eagle feathers. It reminded me of an "Eagle Warrior" outfit that Native Americans wear. His chest was guarded with a handmade vest, that appeared to be made of wooden beads. From the waist down he was wearing leather trousers, but what captivated me was the feathers. His back and arms were full of these beautiful eagle feathers. And crowning his head was a beautifully crested cap that resembled an eagles face.
This Eagle Dancer was beautiful to watch as he fanned his feathery arms high then low in a twirling dance, imitating an eagle's flight.
I then saw a sorely isolated eagle perched high on a cliff. His feathers were ruffled and he looked tired. I somehow knew this majestic bird was molting and at the moment, unqualified to take to the skies. And there it sat...hidden away with it's tattered plumage. I felt like that eagle symboized me.
I was then transported back to the fire and continued to watch the Eagle Dancer. But now I was more aware of the feathers that he wore. I knew those feathers were from the "unqualified" eagle. And yet, they looked very regal and beautiful. Even though I thought they were unfit to adorn this amazing dancer, they were not. It was then that the Eagle Dancer looked up and stared me directly in the face. It was powerful! I came face to face with this warrior. Our eyes locked. And as he looked at me I realized who he was. He was Jesus! He was my Eagle Dancer and he was dancing over me. He had taken the thing that I thought had failed me and made it beautiful. He was using what I called weakness and gave me "beauty for ashes".
The cry of my heart in that moment was Yes, Lord...I forgive myself. I want to know you in this way.
It's still tough for me to think in those terms, but I still cry out to see the beauty in the broken.
Zephaniah 3:17
17 The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
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